stepping into your gentle power

reaching goals and creating change without harshness or harm

dear friends,

There’s something in the air. Do you feel it? That spark of nervous excitement, both butterflies and queasy stomach? Yeah, me, too. It seems like a lot of us are finding our footing even though the ground is unsteady. And that uncomfortable sensation is the sign that we’re ready to move forward, towards something better. Our task is only to figure out what the most skillful next steps are and then to take them.

If only it were that easy.

Before I jump in at the deep end, which I will, I want to acknowledge a common misconception about gentleness that equates it only with softness, a slower pace, quiet. Those adjectives are not inaccurate, but assuming that these words provide a comprehensive view is like seeing a small pond on a wind-free day and assuming that the mirror-like surface reflects all the properties of water. You’d be ignoring the power of a solitary river to create the planet’s most spectacular canyon, the explosiveness of geysers, the sheer majesty of deep lochs and Great Lakes. And that’s not even getting into water as steam or ice. Quite simply, you would have a very limited view of the power of water.

Gentleness, I think, has a similar varied nature. It comes in many forms and intensities, but its fundamentally quality is defined by an approach to life that rests on the understanding of our shared vulnerability and a deep intention to move through the world without harshness and doing as little harm as possible to ourselves, those we share this planet with, and the planet itself. Gentleness doesn’t mean that we agree with everything or everyone, but it does mean that when we disagree, we’re still capable of getting along. Gentleness doesn’t mean that we’re not strong, but it does mean that we don’t abuse our strength. And gentleness certainly doesn’t mean that we’re ineffective. It simply means that we see the long term horizon and can distinguish between quick short-term reactions and skillful, wise action.

Okay, I’ll get off my philosophy soap box now and get to what is helping me work towards two professional goals, a big personal one, and one goal that falls into the community bucket.

Okay, here’s how to tap into your deep well of gentle power when you’re ready to make some changes in your life:

(1) Befriend the self-criticism, self-doubt, fear of failure, and whatever else is telling you not to bother because [fill-in-the-blank]. It’s tempting to suppress these parts of ourselves, to ignore them. Their arguments can be extraordinarily persuasive. If we don’t change, they say, we don’t have to be afraid of making a mistake, doing something badly, or failing. And yet, every time I’ve followed that guidance, my life is less joyful and somehow smaller. On the other hand, when I ignore or suppress these parts, a certain inauthenticity creeps in to my life because, well, I do have a very harsh inner critic, a fair amount of self doubt, and some distinct fear of failure. If I pretend these parts don’t exist, I’m not exactly being honest.

So, if it’s not skillful to let these parts take over, and it’s also unwise to ignore them, what are we to do?

Make friends with these fear-based parts of ourselves. You don’t need to be inseparable, but you do need to get along. The best way I’ve found to do this is to take honest stock with a friendly heart. Take my friend, self criticism, for example. She is sometimes correct. She is also impossible to satisfy. No matter what the scenario, she will be able to find fault. There is nothing she can’t dismiss, diminish, or denigrate. Quite honestly, she is wet blanket almost all the time. But, if I look through the lens of friendship, I’m able to be like Winnie-the-Pooh with Eeyore: I can see and accept my critical friend’s nature while staying mindful that, like Pooh’s dear donkey friend, she has her own shortcomings and tendencies. Knowing that her lack of satisfaction is about her nature lets me listen to what she has to say, while not taking her word as gospel.

(2) Do what needs to be done, wholeheartedly. When a setback comes, pause, and then take the most gentle next step you can. Most of us know what we need to do to make a change or reach a goal. It may take research and asking friends. We may have to make some uncomfortable phone calls, do informational interviews, take a course or read some books. The vast majority of the time, though, the challenge to making the change we want is not in the plan, but in the execution. After the first or tenth road block, the self-criticism or self doubt will pop up and say: I told you so! Now, quit.

This is where the power of gentleness comes in.

Now that I count self criticism, self doubt and fear of failure within my circle of friends, albeit my outer circle, I can pause for a moment and listen. Really hear them out. What I’ve found is that most of the time what they have to say is pretty silly and usually repetitive. After a recent “No thanks, we’ll pass” from a publisher for a book proposal that means a lot to me, I let all those voices speak. Sure, there was, “Why did you think you could do this in the first place?” and “Goodness, add another rejection to your long list of failures.” But my wiser self can distinguish between fair criticism and fault finding. She knows that, yeah, this editor passed on the book proposal, and also that rejection comes with the territory. When we don’t suppress those fearful parts of us, we learn to hold both the uncomfortable thing while also comforting it and our whole selves at the same time.

You can literally say to yourself, “Yes, this hasn’t worked yet. It’s completely okay that this setback stings. What gentle thing can I do right now to make it sting less?” After you do the gentle thing to alleviate the sting — take a nap, watch a silly movie, go for a run — you ask your wiser self to weigh in. That self will probably remind you that the setback is eminently surmountable. And that wise self will also tell you that you’re completely up to the task. You will know what you need to do.

It matters that you do something after a setback, and that you do it gently. The hour/day/week after something doesn’t go to plan is like the first time back to your exercise routine after an injury or illness. We know we need to get back to moving our bodies. We also know that when our bodies have gone through something, we need to be gentle with them. It doesn’t matter if you’re a professional basketball player or a weekend pickle ball aficionado. Our emotional and thinking selves are the same after an injury or illness. We need to get back into things, and we need to do so gently. What gentle means is different for all of us, and it’s different at different moments. Ground yourself in what it means for you in the moment you’re asking this question, then follow your own wise counsel.

(3) Repeat & revise, as often as necessary. When the going gets tough, and you’re able to treat yourself with the same gentleness that you would a dear friend, you’ll tap into a deep well of power. Your stamina, strength, and resilience becomes nearly limitless because you’ll know how to give yourself what you need when you need it. And let’s be honest, most of the changes that matter will take time, there will be setbacks, and some of those setbacks may be major. That’s all okay when you meet it with gentleness.

That’s it for this week! If you’re working toward something, go! be like water, unstoppable.

with love, as always,

alison