dear friends,
This week, I’m feeling drawn to basics, which means remembering that being human is to be vulnerable to loss, disappointment, illness and injury. It means we all have hopes and dreams. It means that we all want to be treated with kindness, honesty and respect.
I know, this all sounds sort of old-fashion-y and quaint.
Especially when so many in our world seem to be in complete and utter denial of these truths. People treat others in ways they would never want to be treated themselves; use our shared air, water and land in ways they would never use their own backyards or community spaces, and behave in ways that will leave impacts for all of our children that no one would ever willingly choose. There is no denying that things have gone off the rails.
And yet, every morning the sun rises and every evening it sets. Life goes on, and so must we. For those of us who care about creating a world where we can all thrive, it’s hard not to get overwhelmed by the scale and complexity of what is unfolding around us, but I’m going to borrow the wisdom of flight attendants everywhere: put on your own mask first.
That’s why I’m returning to some of the very first gentleness practices I developed. Cultivating gentleness toward yourself is a really good way to keep on keeping on because when we cultivate gentleness towards ourselves, we strengthen our heart + mind + body connection. And it’s that connection that allows us to remain grounded in equanimity, compassion, wisdom and peace no matter what comes our way. And, when we get thrown off course, which is inevitable, gentleness guides us back to our better selves with more ease.
Here are the steps of what I call a gentleness walk. When I manage to do it every day, I feel the difference. But even if you only do it once a year, the practice will absolutely have a beneficial impact.
(1) Commit to your gentleness walk. If you can set aside a twenty minutes after lunch every day, that’s fantastic. But if your life is more I-have-two-minutes-as-I-walk-from-the-car-to-the-office, that works, too. What matters is the intention to cultivate gentleness toward yourself.
Over the past five years, I’ve done both the super quick and the long-and-contemplative walks and everything in between. For me, doing it often is more effective than doing it for longer stretches but less frequently, but I suspect that has more to do with my own personality quirks than anything inherently superior about either approach. This is a whatever-works-best-for-you-right-now practice. Having said that, I do think that when you’re starting out, it takes a little more time to drop into your gentleness center. You’ll probably feel the shift within five to ten minutes, but I stress again: gentleness meets you exactly where you are. So, if you don’t have five minutes, but you have three, three is perfect!
(2) Ask yourself: Does anything need gentle attention right now? I put my palm over my heart when I ask this question because, for me, this gesture soothes my nervous system: it signals my brain to pay attention to its senses and my body to breathe intentionally. If there’s nothing that needs gentle attention, congratulations! Enjoy the rest of your walk however you’d like.
If there are a lot of things that leap to mind when you ask yourself the question, that’s completely normal. Don’t judge yourself. If there are a few things that seem dominant, name them in as few words as possible. This is not a vocabulary exercise, it’s about recognizing what’s there and tending to it with gentle care. So, if you are worried about your father’s recent health scare, say “worry.” If you’re still rehashing a conversation that went badly, say “ruminating.” If you’re enraged by the news, say “rage” or “anger.” There are two aims of this step: to give you a little space from what is calling for attention and to shift your energy toward curiosity. Curiosity is one of the best antidotes I know for stewing in negative emotions. It almost magically leads us to creative problem solving, but even when it doesn’t do that, it reminds us that we are more than whatever is bugging us.
(3) Ask yourself: What is the smallest thing I can do right now to help the thing that is calling for gentleness? Ask yourself what the thing needs — in other words, ask what the anger, frustration, sadness needs — not what you need. This may seem like a trivial distinction, but in my experience it really matters. If we want to increase our internal strength and resilience, we need to be able to tolerate difficult emotional states. The best way to do that is to remember that we are more than our challenging emotions. The more we reinforce this truth, the less reactive we become, the more equanimous we can be, and the more we’re able to access our deeper wisdom.
This afternoon I did a gentleness walk while running errands. What needed gentle attention was some recurring judgment/anger I was experiencing with the behavior of a family member. Intellectually, I knew my reaction was disproportionately strong, which made me feel ashamed on top of being angry. Not a good combination, but because I phrased my question as what the judgment/anger needed — not what I needed — I was able to get enough distance from the shame to see that the part of me that was judging wanted to be acknowledged. The smallest thing I could do right then was to put my hand over my heart and say: “You’re right, Judgment. It’s okay to not like this family member’s behavior.” As soon as I acknowledged the judgment, it almost completely dissolved. Then I could turn to how I behaved and make the commitment to not act or speak until any residue of reactivity was gone.
I chose this example because it’s small and simple. Much of the time, though, what needs attention is the same thing that needed attention last time. I absolutely find myself returning to common themes. We all have our own tendencies and some are stickier than others. But, no matter how sticky, this practice helps. Over time, you’ll find yourself meeting an unpleasant emotion not with anger, irritation, or shame, but with a gentle inquiry about what would be helpful. And, honestly, isn’t that how we want to respond to everything in life?
That’s it for this week!
with love, as always,
alison