how/why gentleness works

it's nyc marathon day! no better time to think about reaching goals

dear friends,

I spent last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at a yoga retreat with Rodney Ye and Colleen Saidman. If the yoga world has rock stars, they are two of them. Anyway, there were about fifty of us there, with a range of ages. At almost 55, I definitely was not one of the young ones. And, yet, as we were guided through series after series of challenging poses, I not only kept up, but I did pretty alright, if I do say so myself.

I haven’t practiced yoga in a class for over five years. I practice at home and in a distinctly gentle way. By that, I mean that I frequently do the least amount possible, I forgive myself easily when I get things wrong, and whenever my inner critic’s voice starts her self-punishment speeches, I smile, say hello to her, then remind myself that I can do the thing gently. Yes, gentleness applies even to how I treat my harsh inner critic.

Sunday was the day of goal poses: crow, head stand, hand stand. As I kicked into handstand, I had a moment when I thought, “Alison, you’re not strong enough for this.” Which would be completely okay. But, you know what? I was strong enough. And, five years into practicing the art of living gently, I have a pretty good guess as to why. And the reason is works for me is the same reason it will work for you, for everyone.

So, on this marathon day, one of my favorite days in NYC, I want to revisit how and why gentleness is so powerful, and how you can use it as a tool to help you with any goal you set, marathon-related or not.

I know I’m not unique in the tendency for self-criticism and self-punishment. I think a lot of us have, on some level, bought into the idea that unless we constantly monitor, criticize, and punish ourselves, we’ll never reach our goals. Sure, a regimen of harsh self criticism may eventually bring us over the finish line, but it’s exhausting and unpleasant because when we’re cruel to ourselves, we have to (1) expend energy on constant monitoring and criticism, and (2) expend energy defending ourselves from constant monitoring and criticism. Both are parts of us, and it’s a lot of energy. For me, the moment I ask myself the question, “Can I be a little more gentle?” or “How can I do this gently"?” my whole body relaxes. When I don’t have to use energy to both beat myself up and defend myself, that energy is there to fuel curiosity and creativity. When I can relax into the thing with gentleness, I find that I have more inventive ideas, make connections I didn’t think of before, and am more skillful in execution.

And that’s not even getting to one of the aspects of gentleness that I think has changed my life the most, yoga practice included. When I’m grasping to reach a goal, there’s this energy of wanting to be there in the future once the goal is achieved, which really is a way of telling myself that here, where I am in the moment without having achieved the goal is less good. Again, there’s that energy spent being dissatisfied with the present moment and the energy of the present moment defending itself. A lot of wasted energy. And the focus is all wrong. If we want to do the thing — get into crow pose, get the new job, write the novel, start the business, find the life partner — and we’re implicitly belittling the moment in which we sit, it’s really hard to let the process flow.

Even though I still sometimes doubt the power of gentleness, I rediscover that when I can be gentle with this moment, I naturally want to make it as good as it can be. And when I treat this moment well, the next moment will be naturally be a little better. And so it goes.

Sure, this is all subtle, and gradual, and small. It is also extremely powerful.

So, if you have some goal you’re working towards, and you want to do it gently, I suggest keeping a few things in mind:

(1) Set yourself a low bar for what counts as a step. For my yoga practice, rolling out my mat for five minutes of cat-cows count.

(2) Be truly intentional about your efforts. When I set my writing timer, which I do pretty much every Monday through Friday morning, my intention is to write. It’s tempting to check the news, respond to emails, click on the link for the fantastic coat I’ve been eyeing. Sometimes I slip, but because I care about honoring the present moment in which I sit, self correction has become almost automatic. It just doesn’t feel good to disrespect the writing process by not being fully engaged.

(3) Forgive yourself! Forgive yourself! Forgive yourself! Just keep coming back.

That’s it! I’ll be out on the streets of New York and in Central Park cheering on all the wonderful people who are reaching at least one of their goals today.

with love, as always,

alison

p.s.

That’s a photo from me cheering on marathoners in Central Park from a few years ago.